We mostly consider improving relationships to include others, but we also need to think about how do we have a relationship with ourselves. This includes our self-talk, our emotions and the conflict we have with ourselves. Once we learn how to manage ourselves, we can then effectively manage whatever is happening outside of ourselves.
Communication is important when considering improving relationships, but it is not the only skill required.
John Gottman and Nan Silver who wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work studied relationships and found that people survived partnerships not because of the way they communicated but because they had the same goals, were secure within them selves and showed respect for each other.
John Gottman and Nan Silver who wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work studied relationships and found that people survived partnerships not because of the way they communicated but because they had the same goals, were secure within them selves and showed respect for each other.
They had the same goals because they took the time to learn about each other's desires, needs and passion. They then were able to set collaborative goals. Two people working towards the same goals will enable each person to see a future together and feel comfortable with it. It will also take away the anxiety of the unknown and avoid the couple from growing apart. Think about any other goal setting exercise - you have to compromise, understand each other's needs and be open to conversation and change.
In order to feel comfortable to talk about your goals you will need to become comfortable about yourself, know who you are and what you need. Don't forget you are projecting 5, 10 or 30 years ahead. Talking about goals also shows that you have interest in yourself and the other person. You will also realise that you are both different and be able to accept each other's differences.
Therefore a successful partnership, in any situation, means that you will need to work through your own challenges and needs or else it would express itself when communicating. As a result you need a healthy mind and spirit. For instance, how do you manage anxiety, how do you view the self and the world and what type of relationship did you have when you were young. Looking after yourself will improve the way you manage relationships, because the way you see yourself affects how you see others.
3 ways to improve your life and your relationships include:
1. Take good care of your self. This includes loving and respecting yourself. Be kind to yourself and learn to be there for you. Looking after you also includes taking a brisk walk, meditating, reading a good book or spending time with friends who have a positive attitude. This exercise will also help you manage anxiety, as feeling anxious is a result of neglect on the self and frustration. If you do feel frustrated then find the cause and work on a solution. Remember that managing your emotions is not enough, but you also need to solve the problem.
2. Learn about your cognitions. This includes your self-talk and how you think about yourself and the world around you. Once you learn about them then you can effectively change them. Your cognitions also determine the way you treat other people, yourself and what you say. One strategy I can suggest will include keeping a notepad with you and writing down your self-talk, then transform them into a positive phrase. You can use the new phrase as an affirmation and I also recommend considering why you are thinking in such a way.
3. On a last note it is also important to consider your attachment style. This will include how secure or insecure you are. If you avoid relationships then you will be aloof and not listen in conversations. You will also not trust others as easily. On the other hand if you are fearful of abandonment then you will be controlling, which will result in becoming abusive, critical or smothering. Your attachment style will have resulted from the emotional needs your caregiver provided when young. Although it would have caused a mental model of how you view the world you can change, but you have to recognise the cause and your style before change takes place. You will also need patience
